Everyone’s Doing It
By “it,” of course, I mean sexing up (or attempting to sex up) ladies/men/boys who are not their wives. And by everyone I mean, well, pretty much everyone. Your MSNBC has compiled a treasure trove of previous politicans’ affairs, presented here in reverse-chronological order, for your enjoyment.
- 2009: Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC)–spent weekend “on the Applachian Trail.” Except he was actually in Argentina, having sex.
- 2009: Sen. John Ensign (R-NV)–sleeping with female employee, while also possibly paying off her husband?
- 2008: Ex-Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick (D-Detroit)–jailed for a “text message/sex scandal,” apparently the 21st century equivalent of slapping your secretary on the ass.
- 2008: Ex-Rep. Vito Fossella (R-NY)–pulled over for DUI while driving home from visiting his mistress and love-child in VA.
- 2008: Ex-Sen. John Edwards (D-NC)–cheated on his cancer-stricken wife while running for president. Possible love-child, definite douchebag.
- 2008: Gov. David Paterson (D-NY)–cheated on his wife, but it’s cool becuase she cheated on him too.
- 2008: Ex-Gov. Eliot Spitzer (D-NY)–aka, Client #9. Spent his career prosecuting prostitutes, not counting the ones he was sleeping with.
- 2008: Ex-Rep. Tim Mahoney (D-FL)–after replacing sex fiend Mark Foley (see below), decided he was feeling left out and had a sex scandal for himself.
- 2007: Ex-Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID)–he’s not gay, he was just looking for sex with dudes at the airport.
- 2007: Sen. David vitter (R-LA)–somehow survived after being caught in DC prostitution scandal. Likes to wear diapers during sex.
- 2007: Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa (D-Los Angeles)–slept with a reporter, which was probably what kept it out of the news for a while. Also survived, but won’t run for CA Gov.
- 2007: Mayor Gavin Newsom (D-San Francisco)–slept with an aide’s wife. He also survived it, and he is running for CA Gov.!
- 2007: Ex-Rep. Newt Gingrich (R-GA)–had an affair in the 90s and kept it secret until 2007 so he could continue preaching family values.
- 2006: Ex-Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL)–alleged sex with boys, the end.
- 2006: Ex-Rep. Don Sherwood (R-PA)–lost his seat when the woman he was sleeping with called 911 and then sued him for abuse.
- 2005: Ex-Mayor James West (R-Spokane)–voters did not like when this long-time opponent of gay rights was caught in a gay sex scandal, so they recalled him.
- 2004: Ex-Gov. Jim McGreevy (D-NJ)–stood next to his wife and announced his gay affair, then resigned.
- 2002: Ex-Mayor Rudy Giuliani (R-New York City)–cheated on then-second wife with now-third wife. Blah blah blah 9/11, probably.
- 2001: Ex-Rep. Gary Condit (D-CA)–had an affair with an internet, who was later murdered. Her alleged murderer (not Condit) was just caught this year.
- 1998: Ex-Rep. Bob Livingston (R-LA)–was supposed to replace Newt Gingrich as Speaker of the House, but had sex with someone who was not his wife instead.
- 1998: Ex-Pres. Bill Clinton (D)–wait, what? We have no memory of this event.
So there you have it, children, America’s heroes!
Update: In case you can’t keep recent GOP affairs straight (heh), here’s a handy flowchart.
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