John McCain: The Manliest Candidate

By Eric on November 19, 2007

Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain is a man. No, he’s more than a man. A man’s man. The manliest man in all of hu-MAN-ity. He’s so manly, in fact, that he can stop bullets with his chest alone and kill a man with his left thumb. That’s why, if elected, President John McCain will eliminate… his Secret Service protection?

“It’s my intention, if we win this nomination, to reject Secret Service,” he said during one of his many conversations with reporters on his Straight Talk Express this weekend. “Why do I need it?”

He adds: “The day that the Secret Service can assure me that if we’re driving in the motorcade and there’s a guy in a rooftop with a rifle, that they can stop that guy, then I’ll say fine. But the day they tell me, ‘well, we can’t guarantee it,’ then fine, I’ll take my chances.”

That’s right, he’ll take his chances. Secret Service protection is for wimps. Come on, nobody could hold a grudge against the President of the United States! It’s not like any previous president has ever been assassinated or had any attempts made on their lives. Americans need a strong, manly leader, not someone whose going to hide behind a bunch of dark suits. Hell, Obama and Clinton already have Secret Service protection, and nobody ever liked those pussies.

Of course, McCain’s a very pragmatic man, so he has plenty of other reasons to want to get rid of the Secret Service. It does cost a lot of taxpayer money to guard the president, and then, of course, there are Congressional benefits:

“You got a problem up on Capitol Hill? It’s 12 blocks away, right?” McCain asked. “Alright. You hop in a car with tinted glass, and maybe one secret service guy with you. And you drive up. Okay? And you get out of the car, you walk into Sen. Harry Reid’s office and you say, Harry…”

Yeah, if Congress doesn’t do what the president wants–because, after all, that is the reason Congress exists, right?–then President John McCain will march down Pennsylvania Avenue and show those sons of bitches who’s boss. When President McCain says “jump,” Congressional Democrats better say “how high?”

In all seriousness, I wish the senator the best of luck with his new campaign tactic of wooing the oh-so-underrepresented white male demographic because, quite frankly, this presidential race isn’t already enough of a circus.

Tags: 2008, John McCain, Secret Service

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