John Ensign’s Parents Have Some Cash for Everyone These Days
Sen. John Ensign’s parents, who famously paid off the family of Ensign’s mistress, are also maxed-out donors to Harry Reid’s re-election campaign. Is John Ensign having an affair with him now too? Or is John Ensign, along with the rest of the Senate GOP, only metaphorically screwing Reid? (CQ Politics)
Losing his job and his health insurance left one Wisconsin man with no choice but to join the Army to pay for his wife’s chemotherapy. So please, Congress, just take your time with this whole healthcare reform thing. (Milwaukee Journal Sentinel)
And speaking of which, given the choice between passing a public option with only Democratic votes and failing to do anything in a spectacular but bipartisan way, most Americans choose the public option. Hopefully this influences the only person whose vote really matters, Queen Olympia I. (ABC News)
The U.S. Chamber of Commerce is deeply disappointed that anyone thought that they might actually believe in global warming, and they would like to reinforce that they definitely do not think climate change is happening. (CNN Political Ticker)
The DNC demands that the RNC start mopping up the mess in Washington and stop… kicking over the bucket of nasty grey mop-water? This mop analogy was good for a while, but I think it’s gone about as far as it can go. (MSNBC First Read)
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was sworn in as President of Iran yesterday admist a crisis that we just stopped caring about weeks ago because Michael Jackson died. (AFP)
What did you give Barack Obama for his birthday yesterday? Because the tiny island nation of Antigua gave him a mountain. (AP)
President Obama made birthday cupcakes for America’s most beloved journalistic institution, Helen Thomas. What, no mountain? (CNN Political Ticker)
Poor Sen. John Ensign is so unliked in Nevada, a state that nobody would even care about if it didn’t have well-known sex/gambling/crime-scene-investigating paradise Las Vegas. Only 31% of Nevadans have a favorable view of once-popular nice guy John Ensign, because he had an affair.
Oh, and because he was elected as a “family values” conservative.
And because he had the affair with an aide.
And also because the husband of the woman he had the affair with worked in his Senate office.
And because the woman he had the affair with was his wife’s best friend.
And maybe because he asked his parents to pay off the family of the woman he had the affair with so they’d keep their mouths shut.
The New York Times may start charging $5 a month to access the news online or else they are going to have to put that “Grey Lady” out on the street, to turn tricks. Good thing internet users can’t get their news from somewhere else! (AFP)
President Obama authorized extended Secret Service protection for Dick Cheney, a privilege which the majority of former Vice Presidents do not have. As a show of gratitude, Cheney will go two whole days without saying Obama isn’t keeping us safe from terrorists… maybe. (U.S. News)
Illinois Rep. Mark Kirk will not run for Senate. Why does nobody want this Senate seat, which was once held by Barack Obama? If people keep dropping out of the race they will just have to let Roland Burris keep it, by default. (The Fix)
Your FOX News had a letter detailing John Ensign’s affair for a few days before he announced it and could have had a major story, but they did nothing about it because that would have been newsworthy impolite. Maybe they were worried that if they actually reported some accurate news, they might be confused with the “liberal media.” (Las Vegas Sun)
BROOKS: You know, all three of us spend a lot of time covering politicians and I don’t know about you guys, but in my view, they’re all emotional freaks of one sort or another. They’re guaranteed to invade your personal space, touch you. I sat next to a Republican senator once at dinner and he had his hand on my inner thigh the whole time. I was like, ehh, get me out of here.
HARWOOD: What?
BROOKS: I can only imagine what happens to you guys.
O’DONNELL: Sorry, who was that?
BROOKS: I’m not telling you, I’m not telling you.
Whaaaat? David Brooks, you are such a tease! We know it’s not John Ensign or David Vitter because they go out of their way to fuck ladies, even ladies they are not married to. Stop being a jerk and just tell us who the gropesaurus is, already!
Roland Burris will not run for re-election to the Senate. Or, to be more accurate, Roland Burris will not run for election, period. America’s Senator™ has no need for the little people! (Chicago Sun-Times)
Republican sex machine Sen. John Ensign was so close to being out of the news forever, and then he had to go and get caught paying almost $100,000 to the family of the woman he slept with. Nothing says “family values” like a hundred grand in hush money. (Roll Call)
In an interview with Al Jazeera, Newt Gingrich said that the US should use “covert operations” to blow the crap out of Iran’s oil refineries, resulting in the overthrowing of Iran’s regime. Uh, Newt? I think they get Al Jazeera in Iran, so, ummm, so much for covert. (Al Jazeera)
Remember that time when AIG used federal bailout money to pay millions of dollars in bonuses to their executives and everyone hated them for it? They want to do it again. I doubt everyone will be super-happy about it this time, guys. (Washington Post)
The Philadelphia swim club that kicked a summer camp out of the pool because the kids were black is being investigated by the Pennsylvania Human Rights Commission. (Daily Kos)
Sen. Tom Coburn will never tell us what he said to John Ensign about Ensign’s affair, except he already has. (Roll Call/Politico, via DKos)
Visitors to DC, it is totally reasonable to confuse the Capitol with the White House, what with both of them having giant frickin’ domes on top of them.(Spotted: DC Summer Interns)
Poor Michael Jackson! Your House of Representatives will not vote on a resolution honoring him because there are too may “contrary views.” Too bad, because it’s not like they have anything important to do, right? (CNN)
Sen. Al Franken is meeting with Sonia Sotomayor to exchange humorous race-jokes about white people. (Minnesota Public Radio)
The British House of Commons and the Met are investigating News of the World, which is owned by FOX News chief Rupert Murdoch, for hacking MPs mobile phones. This is the British equivalent of Bill O’Reilly sending someone to harass people while they’re walking down the street. (Guardian/New Yorker)
CIA Director Leon Panetta told Congress last month that some senior CIA officials had straight-up lied to Congress. Since lying is basically what the CIA does professionally, shouldn’t these officials get promoted, for job excellence? (MSNBC)
Here is a new criticism of Sonia Sotomayor: she is too detailed. Apparently it is better for the justice system if judges just breeze through shit, so they can get back to working on their golf game. (Washington Post)
The Mexican Army is accused of using torture in the War on Drugs. Um, maybe they did it because the cool kids (America) were doing it? (UPI)
Poor Sen. John Ensign is so unliked in Nevada, a state that nobody would even care about if it didn’t have well-known sex/gambling/crime-scene-investigating paradise Las Vegas. Only 
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