What a wankfest today has been! Two people, both on FOX News, have reached such epic levels of wankery that I can’t choose between them. So, I leave it you, le people. Who is your Wanker of the Day?
Criticizing Bill Clinton’s “awful,” “ridiculous” trip to North Korea, Fox News political contributor Dick Morris said of the two freed journalists: “I feel badly for the two journalists, but what were they doing in North Korea in the first place?” Morris later responded to a question about “how were we supposed to get them home” by stating: “Maybe they don’t come home. Maybe they go to North Korea and they live with the consequences of their decision to go there.”
I thought that woman actually asked a pretty legitimate question — especially Cash for Clunkers is like a mini- Katrina here. I mean it’s not good to start a program and not be able to execute it.
The fake Kenyan birth certificate being shopped around by the birthers yesterday looks like it was copied from an Australian birth certificate. So does that make Obama a New Zealander? (Washington Independent)
Sen. Mike Enzi (R-WY) is single-handedly in control of the healthcare debate in the Senate. Good thing he represents such a populous state! (The Hill)
Former President Bill Clinton is off to North Korea to negotiate the release of two American journalists sentenced to prison. Hopefully everyone knows what the definition of “release” is. (BBC)
Thanks to federal policies of giving bonuses even when jobs are not well done, government contractors are the only people in America who are not poors. (St. Louis Post-Dispatch)
Harry Reid does not care for the birthers or the Republican members of Congress who encourage them. Where is Harry Reid’s birth certificate?!!?! (Ben Smith)
Oh, North Korea does not care for our Hillary Clinton because “sometimes she looks like a primary schoolgirl and sometimes a pensioner going shopping.” What does that even mean? (CNN Political Ticker)
Most Americans do not think Sarah Palin “understands complex issues” and only half think she is “honest and trustworthy” or “shares your values” or “knows how to form complete sentences.” (ABC News)
The American Apparel store in Silver Spring that was vandalized last week because of its “Legalize Gay” t-shirt window display is now recieving death threats because the display has not been taken down. (The Sexist/WJLA)
On a more positive gay-related note, lesbians in DC can now be listed on birth certificates of children born to their partners, rather than having to go through a complicated adoption process. (WaPo DC Wire)
Metro Reliving the Good Old Days, Before Everything Broke
Your Washington Metro’s email system went haywire yesterday and sent out all of their old press releases from 2003. At least it wasn’t the track circuits this time… (WaPo)
Nancy Pelosi says she has the votes to pass healthcare reform, but Blue Dog Bart Stupak (D-MI) says she does not. Basically, nobody in Congress knows how many votes they need to pass something anymore. (The Hill)
North Korea has to sit on the swings all by itself during recess because it has “no friends”, according to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. (AFP)
When he’s not busy launching missiles into the ocean, for funsies, North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il is attacking South Korea’s internets. This is concrete evidence that the North Korean government lurks 4chan. (Wall Street Journal)
Jeb Bush is not sure if President Obama is a Socialist. (Protip: he is not.) Meanwhile, I don’t know why a member of the Bush family is being taken seriously when talking about politics. (CNN)
Four men walked straight through security into federal buildings carrying bomb-making materials. Good news: the men were GAO agents investigating lapses in federal security. Bad news: it is apparently very easy to bring bomb-making materials into federal buildings. (Washington Post)
Rahm Emanuel Is Just Raking In Your Taxpayer Dollars
Over 100 White House staffers make more than $100,000 per year, in order to keep themselves well-stocked in dijon mustard and arugla. That’s not quite as many as in the Bush administration, but still, who does this Obama guy think he is? Don’t worry too much, though, because some White House staffers are still poors (PDF), like the rest of us. (CNN/White House)
Your US Marines launched a major new offensive against the Taliban in Afghanistan yesterday. Wait, Taliban? We’re still fighting those guys? I thought “Mission Accomplished,” and all that. And which one’s “Afghanistan” again? Are they the ones with the WMDs? (BBC)
What is up with North Korea, man? Here they were having these nice talks with South Korea about industry, or something, when all of the sudden the North just shoots some missiles into the water because why not? Seriously, North Korea, enough with the shooting missiles at things all of the time, already! (Voice of America)
Congratulations, gays! It is no longer a crime for you to exist in India! Fort Worth, Texas, not so much, but India is okay. Baby steps, people! (AFP/Fort Worth Star-Telegram)
At a healthcare town hall in Virginia, President Obama took a question from a woman who has cancer but doesn’t have a job or health insurance. He called her “Exhibit A” for why we need healthcare reform, but he did not cure her cancer with his superpowers! Why haven’t you cured cancer with magic, Mr. President? (NECN)
Since this whole presidential election thing ended, we just haven’t had enough John McCain lately (too much of those Palins, though, but that’s beside the point). Anyway, good news, McCain fans! Remember how North Korea is going to launch missiles at Hawaii on July 4th, for funsies? Well fear not, because your United States Navy has dispatched John McCain to give those North Koreans what for!
The U.S. military is preparing for a possible intercept of a North Korean flagged ship suspected of proliferating weapons material in violation of a U.N. Security Council resolution passed last Friday, FOX News has learned.
The USS John McCain, a Navy destroyer, is positioning itself in case it gets orders to intercept the ship Kang Nam as soon as it leaves the vicinity off the coast of China, according to a senior U.S. defense official. The order to inderdict has not been given yet, but the ship is moving into the area.
Yes, McCain, you get those commie sonsabitches! Finally, your long-awaited chance to show Charlie who’s boss.
Because all the best democratic elections are decided by people who hold no elected office.
Ayatollah Khamenei, Iran’s Supreme Leader, proclaimed Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the winner of the Iranian election and said that everyone should stop protesting the results and go home, in the interest of not getting shot at democracy. Meanwhile, fancy numbers-wizard Nate Silver calls foul. (BBC/FiveThirtyEight)
Things your Supreme Court did this morning: ruled that convicts have no right to use DNA evidence to prove their innocence, limited prosecutors’ ability to retry people like former Enron boss Scott Yeager, and made proving age discrimination far more difficult. At least we don’t have to worry about empathy! (Detroit Free Press)
Congressional interns are fleeing the office of mad sex fiend Senator John Ensign, probably because they are concerned about their long-term job prospects. Maybe they can go to Sen. Burris’ office, hmmm? (Roll Call)
How Hawaiians Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Fear not, Hawaiians! Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced that if North Korea launches a missile towards Hawaii we are prepared to defend ourselvHOLY SHIT NORTH KOREA HAS A MISSILE THAT CAN REACH HAWAII?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!
Since this whole presidential election thing ended, we just haven’t had enough John McCain lately (too much of those Palins, though, but that’s beside the point). Anyway, good news, McCain fans! Remember how North Korea is 
Fear not, Hawaiians! Defense Secretary Robert Gates 
RSS Feed